Loneliness: How Can It Help Me?
One of the toughest changes to navigate in life is the death of a
spouse. This change is usually not one that is planned for, welcomed,
or many times even anticipated. It makes its appearance either suddenly
or gradually, steals our loved one from us, then leaves us to deal with
the realities of grieving, loneliness, memories, making decisions alone
and all the other adjustments that come as a result of living life
without our partner. A common saying is that a married person is only
one heartbeat away from singleness.
Loneliness is a
frequent and sometimes ongoing emotion someone who has lost his/her
spouse will feel and must learn to adjust to. It is a common reality,
yet a difficult thing to accept. Martha Felber, in her book, Finding
Your Way After Your Spouse Dies, reports that friends would ask her,
“What hurts the most?” She said her answer was always the same,
“Loneliness for my loved one.”[1] Death leaves a hole that no one else
can fill. You feel cut off from and abandoned by your loved one.
Loneliness, though it can be extremely difficult, is not all bad.
Several things can be learned from loneliness:
- will experience loneliness as a newly single person.
- it is normal to feel lonely.
- will not die of loneliness (although it may feel like it sometimes).
- ubstitutions will not dissolve my loneliness.
- will grow through the experience.[2]
Here are some suggestions to help deal with the reality of loneliness.
These are not meant to be the total answer. Rather, they are offered as
practical recommendations to manage the lonely feelings and help turn
those feelings into positive, constructive personal outcomes.
- Accept your loneliness: Most of the time we want to run from
feelings that are difficult. The challenge is to understand and accept
that loneliness will teach us more about who we are and who we are
becoming. We can learn from this uncomfortable invader.
- Run
to God: He understands loneliness: It is helpful to remember that God
the Father and Jesus the Son both experienced loneliness while Jesus
was on the earth for thirty-three years. Talk to Him and learn to
listen for His comforting voice in Scripture, music, sermons, the care
of a friend, etc.
- Look for and spend time with friends: It
is okay to admit that we need friends, especially during times of
loneliness. Be open and honest with them about the difficulty. One of
God’s most prized gifts to us is a good friend.
- Recall the
good times: Intentionally remember and make a list of the pleasant
memories you shared with your spouse. What first attracted you to each
other? What qualities did you discover later? What was your favorite
time of the day? What were your favorite foods, places to go, etc.?
Recall family times, vacations, holidays, birthdays, wedding
anniversaries, special occasions, etc. Yes, these can be difficult
memories; however, the joy from these will also bring comfort and
pleasure.
- Explore your interests: Make time to explore the
things that excite and interest you. What do you like to do? What TV
programs and movies do you like to watch? What would you like to learn
about?
- Find a place to belong: If you do not attend a
healthy church that accepts, affirms, and genuinely cares for people,
look for one that will as well as teach you the principles of God’s
Word that will enrich your life and spirit. Some churches have support
groups that may be beneficial.
- Get moving: Regular physical
activity can help you feel better about yourself and your situation.
Exercise usually raises one’s self esteem. Walking, yard work, even
playing outside with children are simple ways to begin increasing your
activity level.
- Set some goals: Determine objectives for
yourself that will improve your life. What books would you like to
read? Where would you like to visit? What things would you like to do
with friends? What abilities would you like to strengthen? What things
would you like to buy? Consider the physical, financial, mental,
social, and spiritual areas of your life in setting your goals.
- Keep a journal of your thoughts: Writing your thoughts on a regular
basis can prove to be a comfort when looking back upon them later.
Consider the positive things you experience and the lessons you learn.
“A journal is not only a record of events that touch and transform us;
it is a private space in which we can meet ourselves in relation to
others and God.” [3]
- Trust your loved one to God’s keeping:
God knows your loved one. He is acquainted with your spouse’s life. One
author said, “If the compassionate power of God could bring about the
existence of the world in the beginning, and if the living God . . . is
unshakably faithful, then that same compassionate power can be trusted
not to let persons perish into oblivion but to engage in an act of new
creation at the end. In this perspective, faith in the creating God
gave rise to the conviction that the Creator Spirit keeps faith with
the beloved creature even in death.”[4]
Recommended Reading
Felber, Martha. Finding Your Way After Your Spouse Dies. Notre Dame, Ind.: Ave Maria Press, 2000.
Smith, Harold Ivan and Steven L. Jeffers. ABC’s of Healthy Grieving: Light for a Dark Journey.
Shawnee Mission, Kans: Shawnee Mission Medical Foundation, 2001.
Smith, Harold Ivan. A Decembered Grief. Kansas City, Kans: Beacon Hill Press, 2001.
[1] Marta Felber, Finding Your Way After Your Spouse Dies (Notre Dame, Ind.: Ave Maria Press, 2000) 70. [2] Jim Smoke, Suddenly Single (Old Tappan, N.J.: Fleming H. Revell Co, 1982) 41. [3] Susan Annette Muto, Pathways of Spiritual Living, as quoted by Harold
Ivan Smith, A Decembered Grief, (Kansas City, Mo.: Beacon Hill Press,
1999) 62. [4] Elizabeth A. Johnson, Friends of God and Prophets:
A Feminist Theological Reading of the Communion of Saints, as quoted by
Harold Ivan Smith, ABC’s of Healthy Grieving, (Kansas City, Mo.: Beacon
Hill Press, 1999) 63.
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